First, please note that it’s only natural for a child to be curious about his or her biological parents. Some adoptive parents discourage their children from seeking out their biological parent(s). They bribe them, scare them, guilt them and even threaten them. Such tactics inevitably backfire – what that means is that they actually harm this child you cherish and love so much. Also, don’t think they can’t handle it. Children are incredibly resilient beings. If you can handle it, and show them that everything is okay, they will manage through, as well.
For example, one adult adoptee notes that when she suffered these tactics: “ …they succeeded in reinforcing my resolve and excluding themselves from the reunion WHEN it happened.”
Don’t think that the desire to meet the birth parents is going to go away. You might be fearful that your adopted child will want to return to live with the birth parent if they get to meet. You probably have many other fears relating to a proposed meeting. Get yourself some help. Talk with other adoptive parents about what happened when their adopted children met the birth parents. Get to know the reality of the situation through other people’s experience, so you won’t be making decisions out of extreme and irrational fears.
It can be extremely helpful for you as the parent, to join and adoption support group so you can share your feelings in a safe and supportive atmosphere, and vent your fears. Because only when you can address this issue with your adopted child without all the emotion, will you be able to be resolve the situation effectively.
Often, the adoptive mom’s fears are clearly laid to rest when the adoptive son or daughter meets the birth parent. It can work out. In one interesting case, where the birth mother had the baby in secret (in the late 70s), and it was a closed adoption, she yearned for years to know what happened to her son. The boy had all his growing up years been curious about who is birth mom was. At the age of 18, he sought out the social worker who had handled the adoption. The social worker arranged a meeting. What happened is that the son, now 18, was able to begin to have a relationship also with his birth mother and father.
It seems, overall, that when parents are not supportive of their children meeting their birth parents, it backfires. Work through your fears. No one can ever take your child away from you.
You will especially need to work through various issues if the birth parent is a drug addict, sick, or in some way not fit to be a parent. Children often have fantasies of their birth parents – mostly far off from the truth. As well, manage expectations that a child may have relating to the birth parent.
Consider connecting with attachment therapists, who are extremely knowledgeable on the subject of adoption and children. As well, reach out to the handinhandparenting.org website, which has oodles of information for parents of adopted children – all free.
Concerned About Protecting Your Adopted Child From Seeking Out a Birth Parent? Skilled Jenkintown Child Support and Family Law Attorney
Discuss your concerns relating to adoption, birth parents, child custody, divorce and other family law matters with a knowledgeable, experienced family law attorney. To schedule a completely confidential consultation with a knowledgeable and caring family law attorney at Joanne E. Kleiner & Associates, in Jenkintown, PA, please call 215-886-1266 or you can fill out our intake form and we will contact you.
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