Q: What is collaborative divorce, and how does it work?
“I once had a collaborative case where people had been married for a long time. They had two grown daughters. One was in college. One was in graduate school. And the husband was just unhappy. He wanted to leave the marriage. By staying out of court, they also saved their families. We worked out a solution that was going to be acceptable to everyone. And when the case was finished, the other attorney and I asked husband and wife how they felt about this process. And the wife said, ‘I would advise everyone they can resolve it on their own and stay away from the court system.’ And that’s kind of the point of collaborative divorce. It doesn’t mean that people have to be friends or like each other any better. But they don’t have to destroy each other either.”
Q: Can mediation improve relationships between divorcing spouses?
“I had another case where it was about custody of the son. The husband was so disrespectful of the wife. Everything that she would say, he would just laugh in her face. Just absolutely laughing directly at her. We went through the mediation process. And we talked through a lot of heartache. And by the end, they were laughing together. And they were… actually sort of enjoying each other’s company. And so things like that are very satisfying, very gratifying to the attorney who’s handling it. And it’s great for the people involved. And it certainly was great for their son. Because he no longer had two parents who were busy making fun of each other and trying to get under each other’s skin.”
Q: Why is learning to coexist important for divorcing parents?
“Sometimes, I’ve had cases where people have been fighting for years and they’ve spent a fortune and they’re just fighting and fighting and it’s not getting anywhere. And it finally gets to the point where they realize they’re just sick of it and they’re tired of it. And they’re tired of spending their kids’ tuition money on this and throwing money at it. And at that point, they’re often able just to sit down and talk and work something out. And when they do, they feel so much better about the whole process and about the end result because they’re not fighting to get there anymore. They’ve actually had the experience of trying to take responsibility for their decisions and work something out together. And that ends up being really constructive for them because they’re going to continue to be co-parents for their children. If you have children, nobody is ever completely divorced from each other because you still have those kids. And even when they’re grown, you have graduations and weddings and grandchildren, and you’re never going to be completely, totally apart from that other person. So it’s good to start learning how to coexist with that person earlier rather than later.”